Steven Wright - King of one-liners

Blev så inspirerad av mitt förra inlägg där jag råkade nämna ståuppkomikern Steven Wright. Han är ju så schweinigt kul med sina sjuka funderingar!

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time...

I bought a dog once... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him..."Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" Poor dog went insane...

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize...

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Someone is making a penny...

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I like to tease my plants when I water them, I water them with ice cubes.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreocookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest ofthe afternoon's appointments.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography...

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you knowthe speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to beout that long..."

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said,"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Slutligen lite att tänka på när du sitter på jobbet:
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Och slutligt slutligen, lite att titta på om man känner för det.